Facebook offers users a blank slate to express themselves whenever to whomever with whatever they want. So why is it that despite complete freedom of expression, people fall into one of the following nine types of Facebookers?

1) The Insignificant Tool: These pathetic posters are the single biggest reason people deactivate their Facebook account. Delivering such earth-shattering revelations as “At the bank. The line is long.”, they reveal in pain-staking detail just how boring their life is. Please Facebook, add a Who Cares button so we can all easily provide feedback to this lonely hearts society and save us from being informed what they have for dinner every night.

2) The Happy Ass: It’s all sunshine and puppy dogs for these blithe broadcasters. They never have a bad day and feel compelled to spread their overflowing joy and positive outlook to everyone in every situation. If they believe so much in the power of positive thought, they should all jump off a ten-story building and flap their arms. They can convince themselves they are flying, but reality will have a different message.

3) The Self-Involved Soothsayer: Truth flows effortlessly from these wise sages, and they are kind enough to bestow their nuggets of wisdom free of charge. But beware. Eventually one of two things will happen: either they will ask you to join their cult, or they will want you to buy their book. If they are really as smart as they profess to be, they would know that we really don’t care what they have to say and keep their astute observations to themselves.

4) The Mindless Parrot: Incapable of original thought, these lazy repeaters love to express themselves through the words of others. Always quoting in their posts, they believe in intellect by association, hoping if they repeat what a wise person said, we will think they are smart. Here’s an idea: stop pretending and say what you think. Even if it is the stupidest thing ever said, you can always claim you were being ironic.

5) The Shameless Promoter: Persistent peddling is the specialty of these online snake oil salesmen. Never really getting the social part of social networking, they are always selling regardless if we are buying. My question is, if their product was really so good, wouldn’t it sell itself through word of mouth? A little more time creating and developing would save us all having to continually ignore the same tired marketing. Just because their mother believes in their talents doesn’t mean we have to.

6) The Religious Crusader: These possessed preachers have seen the light. Powered by the grace of a higher being, they are on this planet to save us all. What they have not been blessed with is intuition. If we don’t answer the door when Jehovah Witnesses come knocking, why would we want to read their spiritual musings when we are really just trying to cyber-stalk our new secret crush? They should just swallow the sermon and let us be. The greatest sign of doubt is a bold opinion.

7) The Political Pundit: Politics is a banned subject at cocktail parties. Facebook should be no different. Controversy is the main motivation for these wannabe stumpers. They thrive on two things: being right and pissing other people off. Unable to achieve the former, they focus on the latter. Claiming to follow the party line, they instead bend it as far as they can to incite others. If they truly believed what they were saying, would they have to infuse their rhetoric with so much passion? The reason voting booths have a maximum occupancy of one is because political beliefs are meant to be thought not spoken.

8) The Obsessed Gamer: Escaping to the virtual world, these closet competitors raise crops, husband animals, and execute contract killings to hide from the pressures of day-to-day life. If this is truly a form of solitary meditation as they claim, why do they always solicit our help? It’s like going to a fetish party they know others are not interested in and then calling in the middle of the night for a lift home when their ride leaves. Honestly we don’t care what kind of freaky, funky stuff you are involved in. Just leave us out of it.

9) The Silent Assassin: Only Facebook itself knows how frequently these peepers visit because they never actually say anything. Like a people-watcher in a crowded public place, they merely observe and judge, always remaining steadfastly silent. What they don’t know is that we know they’re watching, seeing right through the fake surprise they show when in conversation we reference our posts and pictures. Best way we can draw these snipers off the grassy knoll is to block them from seeing our walls. Eventually they’ll contact us with some lame excuse how they accidently stumbled upon our profile and couldn’t view it. Puh-lease.

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